"Ellie I love US enough to let you go!"

"Mom Ellie has been hit by a truck!!"

Those words were screamed by my son as he bolted through the front door on a warm August evening. Frantically I searched for my keys, knowing I had to get to her. I was keenly aware that every second could be her last here on this earth with us.

As I drove out of the driveway my son was replaying the horrific scene he had just witnessed. Ellie was laying on the ground a mile away screaming "mommy, mommy!!!"

My heart was pounding and I couldn't get to her fast enough. Caleb's words were preparing me...

Preparing me to say goodbye to my precious eight year old daughter.

With one ear I listened to Caleb and with my heart I was talking to my creator. The one who loved me and loved Ellie more than I could ever love her.

I plead with him for my daughters life. I said "Lord please protect Ellie, Lord today spare her little life." Fully aware that God is sovereign and has a bigger plan than what I see. I said, "Lord if you take Ellie home to be with you, please let me say goodbye."

I arrived at the scene. I bolted out of my car and ran to be by her side. I saw a bloody broken little girl. She was sitting up with her arms stretched out screaming, "Mommy, Mommy!!!"

People from nearby houses heard the accident ran to help her. They lovingly wrapped her in blankets and were holding her as they waited for help to arrive. Her arms and legs were covered in blood.

I looked up and saw the truck that hit her and knew that she may not make it to the hospital.

God was letting me say goodbye. He was allowing me to touch, to smell, to hold her for the last time. I said to God "Thank you! Thank you for loving me enough to let me love her." "God thank you for eight years with my beautiful little girl." "Lord I love us (my entire family), myself enough to trust you, I will let her go.""If you want her I will give her to you, I give her back to you!" I looked up as the paramedics arrived and began to prepare her to be transported to the hospital.

As I stood there--- chaos and uncertainty surrounding me. I knew I had to love myself and my entire family enough to not be bitter at circumstances that were forcing me to hand my daughter back over to God.

The sadness and confusion forced me to trust God and love US enough to let her go.

You see I had to make this decision not because I am strong or because I had some super power to be suddenly at peace with the possibility of losing my daughter; but because I would be a prisoner and hold my entire family captive if my decision to trust God would have been anything less than full surrender.

For the first time I realized that Ellie didn't belong to me. She is a child of Gods. I was given the huge responsibility of daily giving Him full reign to let His will be done and not mine.

Even to the point of death.

I was uncertain but not fearful. I was crushed but not abandoned. I was stuck down but would not let this destroy the bigger story God was writing. He alone is God in life and death. He alone is the author and finisher of my faith.

He alone is worthy of my everything!!
He alone loves me with an everlasting love.
He alone was crucified and died so that on this day I could confidently hand my daughter back over to her creator.
He alone is worthy to be praised in ALL situations and circumstances!!!

So today I ask you...

Do you love yourself, your family enough to hand that struggle you are having over to God and realize that you are a prisoner and paying the price for something that God has already paid the ultimate price for? Out of fear of the unknown are you keeping one finger on your circumstance because complete surrender might come at a high price. Let me tell you... your lack of full surrender is already causing you and the ones you love to pay a much higher price than what was intended. Your full surrender is not saying "God I am expecting a bad outcome." It is instead saying "God no matter what the outcome you are still God." "I will still serve you, I will let you do as you will through me because of your sacrifice for me."

The outcome of trusting God didn't change because I was willing to love Ellie, the rest of my family and myself. The outcome of trusting God allowed me to say "It is well with my soul no matter what!"

Today trust HIM and HIM alone!! HE has already gone before you... now follow him.
Hand Him the weight you have been carrying on your back. Your bones are crying out for relief... HE is strong enough to carry it.

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Jump into the front pouch and hand God the backpack that you a so weak from carrying. Be like a little child and trust your father.

Lord God!!! Today I trust you!! I am terrified to hand you this enormous backpack... but I just can't carry it anymore. I am trusting you with the outcome. I am trusting you even to the point of death. Lord thank you for loving me, thank you for dying for me. Thank you for carrying my burdens and offering me something bigger than what I usually settle for. I love you Lord and love being your child. --Amen


  1. Wow nicole that is simply amazing !... As I sit here crying I can't even think of words to say. That is some awesome faith you have in the lord and its been so long since I've let myself trust in him, as you do. that I'm not even sure I know how anymore. But I can say that I am going to try harder to have a better relationship with him. Thank you so much for sharing.