As the ambulance pulled away from the scene, a song was stirring in my heart.
Ellie's tears and cries were echoing throughout the small ambulance as it carried her to treatment and a chance to live.
Ellie was unable to see anything around her. She kept reaching for my face crying, "Mommy, I can't see you! I can't see you mom! Where are you?" I would bring my face close to her, allowing her to touch me and know that I hadn't left, nor would I leave.
In a few short minutes leading up to this moment in the ambulance the Lord had began to prepare my heart to let my precious daughter return to His loving arms. I knew that these moments were precious and were possibly the last time I would feel the touch of her hand on my face.
Ellie began to cry in a loud voice "Sing to me mommy! Sing to me!!!"
I could barely remember my name let alone a single lyric to a song. I remember in a split second the Lord giving a reminder of his love for us. The beautiful childhood song "Jesus loves me this I know" was the only words that would do in that moment.
Oh how he loves us.
Even if Ellie were to die... God was still God and I would continue to praise him.
Psalms 96:1-2 "Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord all the earth. Sing to the Lord, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day."
As soon as the words "Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong," Ellie's beautiful hazel eyes began to roll back into her head. The only thing visible to me were the whites of her eyes. Her life here on earth was leaving her little broken body. I continued to sing "they are weak but he is strong, yes Jesus loves me.... YES Jesus loves me!"
A lump that felt like the size of my body had lodged itself deep into my throat. Somehow singing to the Lord was helping me hand my daughter over. Somehow God was speaking truth into my life through this children's song that generations have mindlessly sung over and over.
"Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, for the BIBLE tells me so."
He loves me even in the middle of the worst kind of pain possible. He loves me!!!
I began to realize that I was not singing just to Ellie as she cried out for me to do, but God was speaking His truth to the very core of who I was.
The paramedic yelled in a loud voice "Step on it!!!" to the driver of the ambulance. He picked up his only communication to the hospital and began to report what was taking place with Ellie. I knew she was going to be with the Lord.
I felt blessed, honored and completely loved by my heavenly father at that moment. I remember thinking to myself, "What mom gets to sing her daughter into the arms of our savior?"
He was letting me love her as He was loving me.
The paramedic stood within inches of Ellie's face and yelled "Ellie sing with your mom!"
The words sounded similar to what Mary and Martha must have heard when Jesus yelled, "Lazarus come out!" John 11:43.
As quickly as Lazarus came out, Ellie opened her beautiful eyes. She looked terrified but did what the paramedic told her to do. Ellie began to sing in the loudest, screechy voice, "Jesus loves me, this I know!"
He loves his children. He wants us to cry out in the midst of our pain. He loves to hear us sing out in joy. He loves His children period!!
In the darkest time... Jesus is there.
David wrote in Psalm 13:
"How long, oh Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Oh Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes,
or I will sleep in death; My enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I TRUST in your UNFAILING love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I WILL SING TO THE LORD, FOR HE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME."
In the face of my desperation (near death of my daughter) I was able to rejoice in the salvation that Ellie had accepted from a loving father.
In the face of handing her over, God lovingly gave her back.
Jesus indeed loves me this I absolutely know. Why? Because through the bible has told me so. Little ones to Him alone belong!!
You may have never faced the death of a child BUT I bet you've grieved the loss of something.
A dream? Hopes? A marriage?
What are you crying out to God for?
Where do you need to be reminded in your life of how much Jesus loves you?
I'm not talking about frilly religious talk that doesn't get you anywhere.
I am talking about a life that is completely devoted to God even when life is falling apart.
Sing out to God!
He meets you right where you are!
Not after you take a bunch of religious steps but right where you are! Cry out in a loud voice... cry out with that lump in your throat that makes you feel like you can't breathe.
Sing to him.
He is a loving father.
Father right now where I am I offer my praise to you! I offer what I have been holding onto. I offer a song of praise because you are a loving God. Thank you for giving up everything for me so that I may have life. Lord I don't want to be a religious talker but a God fearing walker. I want to walk through this life in such a way that directs eyes to you.
Lord I give you ___________________! I offer it to you and even in the pain I will sing your praises.
Give your life and circumstance to God, He then will give you life like you have never experienced it before.
***My husband and I were faced with the real possibility of handing our 8 year old over to God. She was riding home from a friends house with her two older brothers. As she entered the cross walk she was hit by a truck. The next eight days were spent in the ICU and I learned so much about myself and more importantly I learned who God is.
Dare I say 6 years later that this event was one of the most powerful times in my life.
God is for us. Even if we lose everything... He is for us!
I learned that God is to be praised in EVERY situation and we can always see His face in the darkest of times. He is worthy to be praised in life... and in death. He is worthy to be praised in the midst of whatever you are facing. He is God... and I am not.***