Why there isn't 'THE ONE' out there for you

It was a packed crowd of teenagers all listening to speakers talking on the subject of pre-marital sex. The speakers pounded and beat into our heads over and over that "God had one person and one person only" for us. I remember feeling hopeful and excited at the idea of one guy being hand crafted for me. You see, I grew up in a home where my mom was married four times and none of her husbands excelled in the integrity department.

I wanted to buy into the idea of the fairy tale.

You know... The same kind of happily ever after we see Disney create. I wanted to be the girl who was rescued by her knight and shining armor. I wanted 'the one' to swoop in and rescue me from all of my insecurities, worries and help solve all of life's woes. After all, everyone has a 'soul mate,' right?

We all want that someone who will kiss us like they mean it and hold us close each and every day.

At this same conference I heard that I should abstain from sexual relations because my soul mate, you know the one God 'preordained' for me to marry would miss out on the biggest gift if I gave it to someone else.

Eighteen years later I can appreciate what the speakers were trying to convey, but I don't agree that there is one person 'predestined,' 'handpicked,' 'God-ordained,' or meant to be my 'soul mate.'

Having premarital sex has nothing to do with our future spouse and everything to do with us... but that's an entirely different topic.

Truth is, the Bible speaks very little about who we will marry and the idea of having a soul mate is so out in left field that it takes less than a year of marriage to get a hard dose of reality.

Those things you thought were cute begin to drive you crazy. The 'perfect' someone who finishes your sentences is annoying and every time they do it, you secretly want to punch them in the face.

The person who knows what you are thinking before you've said it out loud is probably using your diary as bathroom reading material.

Let's not leave out the beautiful idea of the perfect spouse who just knows how to make us happy....


I have been married for over fifteen years. Can I tell you that I cannot imagine my life without my husband. I miss him everyday we are apart and I long to hear how his day went. We laugh, cry, dream and plan together. He is my best friend and he makes my days better. But if I'm being totally honest... he makes my days a lot harder too. We disagree on parenting issues, finances, schedules... you name it we've disagreed about it.

As a society we've bought into this idea that we 'don't choose who we love' it just happens.

We've bought into Hollywood's fairy tale and not God's. We blame Satan for everything that doesn't go right in our relationships and forget that little gift God gave us... Free will.

Having a spouse, even the one you've dreamt about all of your life will disappoint you, hurt you, be insensitive and totally annoy the crap out of you. The perfect one doesn't exist for each of us because we all blow it, we all screw up and we all miss the mark.

I dated my husband throughout high school and he proposed to me before our senior year. A big part of me was looking at him as my rescuer. I really thought he was so different than every man I'd ever encountered and I was excited to begin a life with the 'perfect guy.'

I put him on a pedestal until I realized this ruggedly handsome, lover of Jesus, struggled with pornography. He wasn't a horrible man but I sure wanted to make him feel that way.

In those dark days I had to choose to love him. It wasn't natural and it didn't just happen. I asked questions like, 'Did I marry the wrong man?' "Was my judgment totally off?' 'What's wrong with me.'

'God wouldn't really want me to stay with this man, right?'

The topic of finding 'the one' isn't limited to the young, it is an idea that people who have gone through multiple relationships and divorces long for as well. They want the fairy tale!

The fairy tale exists when...  Truth is... it doesn't exist. Fairy tale's are fantasy and in Disney movies they ride into the sunset and the story ends. We want more..... We need more.....

Imagine if God created one person for you. Say that one person was a 'sinner' and made bad choices. (Oh wait, that's all of us) Choices that resulted in knocking up a girl in high school or choices that made her marry 'the bad boy.'

What if Tina and Rob got married when Tina was supposed to marry Henry and Henry now 'had' to marry Lauren who was actually 'predestined' to marry John and now John is destined to be alone for the rest of his life.
Now all of these mutant marriages have been entered into and little spawns have been created that were never 'supposed' to be roaming this planet.

Tina and Rob single handedly ruined God's design. Wait... I should stop writing now. Maybe this actually does explain why the divorce rate in our country is so high. Tina and Rob blew it!!!!! Now we are all suffering. Duh! How come this wasn't clear before?!?!

It wasn't clear because it is a total lie that we've swallowed hook, line and sinker.

This type of theology has so many holes, yet we preach it, teach it and use it to make ourselves feel good.

There isn't one person in the sense that if you happen to choose the wrong college, fail to accept the right job and let's not mention if you come down with the flu and can't make that one event that would have made all the stars align and the sparks fly.


I recently had a single friend ask me why God isn't giving her the desires of her heart. Can you imagine if God gave us what we asked for in the manner in which we thought it should be given. She longs to be married so badly, but she is desperately trying to find a husband and doing very little to make sure she will be the right bride.

A partner will never satisfy our deep need to be loved. The reason they will never satisfy that need is because they will fail. Your 'soul mate' will miss the mark. If you are counting on finding 'the one' you will forever be searching. The fairy tale will come screeching to a halt at some point. You will be faced with daily forgiving an imperfect person. You will be forced to lay down your pride several times a day. You will be asked to stand by his or her side when they are too weak to stand alone and the hurt they've caused feels unbearable.

There is no perfect person. The perfect person that God has in mind for you is the one you choose. Now don't mistake what I'm saying for ignorance. Don't be ignorant or dumb in your decision making process. If you choose a partner then choose them for life. Evaluate who they are before you say 'I do.' If there are huge red flags prior to marriage, get ready because those red flags are going to be glaringly bright once you're married.

God can and will bless a marriage! The way we see this play out is through humility, respect and by being a genuine lover of our spouse. God gives us the ability to choose whether we will forgive, respect and love our spouse. He leaves that totally up to us. We get to put action to what God has planned for our life. Investing in your marriage leads to greater intimacy and a richer and deeper love.

God never forces us to love him and He certainly won't force us to love another person. But if we daily choose to invest in our marriage, the rewards are plenty and gift is priceless. 

You didn't marry your spouse because you loved 100% of everything about them. You didn't marry them because they fulfilled all your needs. You married that person because you saw potential, hope and a future with them.

People who finish other people's sentences have made it a habit to study their partner. They know the things they like and dislike because they listen. They buy, say and do the right things because they have bought, said and done the wrong things one hundred times before they got it right.

A couple who still loves to be around each other after so many years are people who want to see their spouse smile. They do and say little things that make them feel special.

When we see a couple that is madly in love 10, 15, even 60 years later... it isn't because they got lucky or because they found the right person. They've learned how to be the right person by offering grace, forgiveness and they work everyday to capture their spouses heart.

Plan together, dream about the future together. Make root beer floats and sit in your front yard just because you can... not because it's convenient but because you can.

If God would've given me my hearts desire I would've never experienced the excitement that I now share with my husband. I'd still be longing and searching for 'Mr. Right.'

We all have read Jeremiah 29:11 and said, "Yes!" He has it all figured out for me.
He does know the plans he has for you and he wants to give you a hope and a future but that doesn't relinquish your role in the journey.

Come on friends! Marriage is SO MUCH MORE than just finding the 'right one.' It is about daily working on ourselves. Daily taking steps toward being better, thinking healthier and loving differently.

If you struggle with relationships and communication before you get married... You are already in trouble and will struggle after.

If you're divorced and desire to be married again... take a honest look at the reasons, causes and issues why your marriage failed. You must do it even if it's painful.  You have to recognize your part in the divorce and begin to have truth spoken into those areas of your life. This is how growth will happen and God can bring healing in incredible ways when you get honest. You will repeat the same patterns and bring awful baggage into future relationships if you don't address these things.

Be the spouse you want before and after marriage.

Finding 'the one' simply means you are willing to 'Be the one!' 

"The one" is the person you walk down the aisle and say 'I do' too. They are 'the one' worth forgiving, fighting for, and investing in.

Allow God to rebuild, revamp and shake up your marriage.

If you haven't said "I do" yet... Make sure it is 'the one' you want to fight for, forgive and invest in for the rest of your life.