"You are my child!"

"...the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” 7 So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir."

 It was time to start the search. I had grown up wondering, 'Was he tall, short, athletic or not?'

'Did I look like him? Did my son have his ears (they didn't resemble any of ours)? Had he thought about me over the years.'

'Did he even know I was born?'

I grew up not knowing who my dad was.

I wasn't the girl lucky enough to dance on her daddies feet or wrestle with him on the floor.

I never was tucked in tight, hearing the whisper... "Goodnight sweetheart, Daddy loves you and is in the next room if you need me."

He didn't send me off to the prom with the man I am still madly in love with to this day.

He didn't walk me down the aisle or offer my hand to my husband on my wedding day.

The joy of showing my new baby came and went six times without uttering the words, "Look dad! You're a grandpa, again."

At 28 years old, I was ready... ready to start searching.

Was I missing out on something? Was he searching for me?
Do I have any siblings?

I needed to know.

Knowing that this could stir many emotions within my mom, I cautiously asked for her help. She would be the one with the answers that could help locate him. My mom gave me the names of potential "sperm donor" because up to this point that was all he had contributed.

The first guy was Steve. I found his email address and emailed him. He responded!

He was so kind, loving, everything I had ever hoped for as a little girl.

Tim (my husband) was very protective and didn't think it was wise that I speak on the phone until a DNA test was completed. The possibility of finally having a dad quickly sent me into dream land.

He wanted me to be his daughter and I desperately hoped I was his. 

I had often heard well intentioned people say, "Nicole, God is the father to the fatherless"....blah blah blah!

Easy to tell someone when you have never been there. Well, the view I had of God was unknowingly tainted by the lack of a "father" in my life.

If God was anything like my earthy father than I probably didn't matter much to him either. 

Kind emails came and went, DNA was submitted and IF the results rendered a "yes" a meeting was set up.

Would I finally look into the eyes of my father? Would he tell me I was beautiful and that he wanted me? Would he hug me and lovingly wipe away my tears? 

The wait was so long and the fear was always present.

The thought, 'Steve really wants me to be his daughter' was never far from my head. He is ready to introduce me to his entire family. The thought of belonging and being wanted captivated my heart. 

The DNA results were in. I was at work and my husband picked me up for lunch so that we could read the results together.

Would I finally call someone dad?

It read... 'Steve is excluded with a 99.9% chance.'

The bottom dropped out of my world and I felt crushed. I felt abandoned and alone. My husband couldn't help. My mom couldn't help... I needed a dad. I needed someone to want me!!! 

Oh Lord!!! Why?!!

He wants me to be his daughter... I want to be his. This was SO unfair. 

For the next week I withdrew from everyone as I processed this huge disappointment. One day on my lunch break I felt alone, confused, and unsure of who I was or why God even created me.

I turned on the radio as the song "By your side" by Tenth avenue North played. I was broken! 

The lyrics spoke straight to me...

"Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away." 

I realized that I was striving to have a father. I thought that somehow by being "good enough" I might earn God's grace. Maybe God would finally let me have a dad.

I was so desperate for a dad that I stopped pursuing God. 

The next part of the song hit me so hard that I was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Why are you searching for love? Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run? To where will you run?"

I had forgotten how many nights I was tucked in by a loving Father!

I had forgotten that when we were homeless, without food, sleeping in our car, on people's couches... I was taken care of.

When my mom was lonely and searching for her own identity I was taken care of.

I wanted the fairy tale.

I wanted to be loved for who I was.

I wanted to be wanted by my dad.

I didn't realize the father I desired, was already there.

The lyrics to the song were straight from the heart of God speaking straight to the heart of His daughter...  "ME."

"I'll be by your side whenever you call in the dead of night, please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

For the first time in my life I was ready for a father. I was ready to let Him love me.

The father that made my DNA.

The father that breathed life into my body.

The father that had always loved me.

He was always there.

The distant, absent father that I thought I never had as a child was always there.

He made me. He carried me. No matter what ugly things I saw and faced as a child, He was always there.

He handed me over to my husband on our wedding day. He smiled as I held my own babies in my arms.

He has always loved me. He has always cherished me. He has ALWAYS called me his.

His name is God -- Abba Father!  

Galatians 4:6-7 Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” 7 So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.

I realized that I have the great distinction as a child of God to be called a 'heir.' 

God is the King of Kings which makes me a princess. 

The words, "Nicole, God is the father to the fatherless" never had meaning until the day I was told my DNA didn't match anyone but Gods. 

Psalms 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless."

While I was desperately searching for a dad, my father had never left me or abandoned me. My father had already introduced me to his family. 

He already wanted me to participate in the banquet honoring His daughter. 

God allowed me to walk through the pain of never having a father here on earth so that I would always remember the place He'd set for me at His table

I was always welcome in His arms. 

At anytime I can curl up and whisper "I'm scared." 

When I turn my face away, He is there to whisper "don't turn away." 

He is by my side, day or night, whenever I call. 

I am not a bastard child, I am a child of God

I am 'Set Apart' to do great things in His name.

He knows and loves me.

He is not there just for us to reach up--- He is there ready to pick us up and carry us home. 

He wants you to sit at His table. 

He wants to call you son or daughter. 

Have you called him Dad? 

Will you call Him Dad? 

Lord, I don't know why the image of father has always been so painful. I don't know why I was a girl that was raised without a dad. But I thank you for always loving me. Thank you for always being there to pick me up, hold me in your arms and whispering over and over again 'you are safe.' Thank you Lord, for the new understanding of what you mean when you say you're 'the father to the fatherless.' Thank you for the ears that you gave my son. They are unique and are handcrafted by you. 
Unlike any others!! I am unlike any other created.... I am totally yours!  
Thank you Lord for loving me... --Amen

Be blessed friends, 

The link to the song by Tenth Avenue North


  1. Beautiful words and wisdom Nic! This spoke to me and I want to make sure my kids all read it. Very very good! love you

  2. Thank you for sharing your journey. There's nothing better than the feeling of God drawing near... Nothing! John 16:33 comes to mind... We aren't promised a free pass from troubles. I always take comfort in knowing that no matter what comes my way... I always belong to Him. Nice post!

  3. Nicole, thank you so much. My boys really need to read this. But, I will also keep it for Mishael to read when she is older. Since John passed she did not know him and know that GOD is a father to the Fatherless is such a great blessing for her.