Good Enough

Have you been there? You know, the place of utter hopelessness...

At the beginning of August I found myself in a place I've never been, nor do I ever wish to go back.

The voices I heard seemed to scream, 'You aren't good enough. You aren't measuring up and you never will." A place where the pressure in my life left me feeling hopeless. If only I wasn't like 'this' or like 'that'-- maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't feel so awful.

I was tired.

Depression is real. Depression is scary. It isolates you. It lies to you and it affirms all the lies, criticisms and doubt you are feeling.

If you could be more like him or more like her you'd make the cut, but until then...

I felt like a sheep without a shepherd, put out to pasture, where the wolves were given free reign to attack.

I slowly began to pull away from anyone that could possibly encourage or speak life into my depressed weary bones. I thought they were just being nice, therefore it made it difficult to hear the truth, life and encouragement anyone was trying to convey to me.

Have you been there?

Here is a raw glimpse into my journal on the darkest night of my life:

"Sitting in a dark room with only the dim light of the moon shining through the cracks of the blinds. The sound of my husband sleeping soundly next to me is all I  can hear. He breathes in and out... In and out. Should I wake him? Does he know? Would he notice if I were gone or would he continue to sleep soundly? 

Should I scream? "I can't! I can't go on! This is all too much!"

12:31... 12:42am... 1:36.... I sit. Grasping the sheets below me, I wait. I wait in hopes that the feeling of utter hopelessness passes. I wait. 1:42... 2:50... 3:26... I play out every scenario in my head.  

I see them crying. I see them asking, 'why?' and I hear the agony in their voices... But I still clench the sheets desperately fighting the urge to be done with life.  

The words of disapproval, the reminder that I could be more, do more and simply 'be better' are deafening.  

I've taught others that He's good, loving and kind, but I sit-- 3:34...3:35...3:36... I don't see how it's true for me.  

I need the vice to loosen just a little. It's so tight, I can barely breath and the only way I see it loosening is to loosen it myself.  

I know I could do better, be wiser and act like I have it all figured out… If only you could be a better actress or learn to play the game.  

The shelf in my husbands closet is calling for me. 

Right now in this moment... I could be done. Would it matter?  

It would be so easy and it would no longer matter how ‘good’ I am or how others see me.  

My view of how I'm seen and the reality of who I'm not is painfully obvious. It is taking everything I have within me not to slowly... quietly, unlock the case, reach inside, grasp it in my hand and be done.  

'The woman of God you believe you are, isn't the woman of God others see you as!' 

The words .... They're deafening.  

The site of me, the site of my family is disgusting to those that 'matter' or at least those who have the power to make others think you matter.  

So I sit. I wait. I grasp the sheets and wait for the darkness to pass. Will it pass?" 

Feeling hopeless is an awful place to be.

Have you been there?

As self sufficient people, we like to believe we can follow steps A, B and C and magically come out looking exactly the way everyone else wants us to look.

But, the truth is... God didn't create us that way.

He created us to look like Him, period.




Over the past month I have struggled to hear truth. The people closest to me have stopped what they were doing to remind me of my worth. They've spoken honestly to me and prayed that God would once again remind me that I am His.

But it seemed that every word bounced off of me. In my hopelessness, I had the hardest time believing that God truly cared for me or that He had purpose for my life.

I fought for truth for weeks and answers seemed to consistently escape me, but in my lowest moments I began to realize that God, the creator of the world and my defender wanted me to be still and trust him.

In my total weakness, He was able to hold me, even when I thought I was falling apart.

What I thought was me fighting not to end it all, was actually Him holding me in place.

You see... I don't want to simply exist. I want to have purpose.

In early August, the voices of disapproval seemed so incredibly loud!

The voices of truth were all but silenced, because truth didn't seem to matter... BUT slowly God began to remind me who I am, who I belong to, and where I'm headed.

There isn't a single person on this planet that can redefine how you are seen by God.

I've been reminded that hope will never come from doing better, thinking more positively or acting the 'right' way... Hope is found in Jesus and Jesus alone.

Today, if you find yourself in a place where the voices of disapproval seem deafening... remember your hope cannot and will never come from people.

You will never be a 'good enough' parent.
A good enough Christian.
A good enough spouse.
A good enough employee
OR
A good enough (fill in your own word).

You weren't created to be 'good enough.' Jesus died to be enough. If you were already enough then there would be no purpose for Him. 

What a total let down, right?! You are probably thinking, "I feel like crap and now you are driving home that fact that I will never be good enough. Not helpful."

Here's the meat and potatoes... When we feel down, depressed and without hope, the voices of truth are all but silenced. We block out truth and we begin to believe lies that we were never meant to claim as truth. Jesus came to earth and willingly gave up his life at our lowest point. He knew we would face times of uncertainty, depression and loneliness. He knew people would say and do stupid things, yet He still knew His grace would be sufficient.

Being 'good enough' is a lie you no longer have to claim as truth. We need Jesus. We need Him on the most exciting days, on the mediocre days and in the deep valley's we walk through.

Fight for truth and allow God to remain God. He is more than capable of handling your situation and your brokenness.


If you've never made Jesus the Lord of your life, I want to invite you to pray this simple prayer. You aren't asking him to make you 'good enough' because He is already good enough for you. He wants your heart and He wants you to be transformed because of who He is not because of who you are.

                     Jesus I need you! Today, I ask you to come into my life. Transform my heart and be Lord of my life. I recognize my total need for you and I ask that you cleanse my heart and forgive me of my sins. You are a good God and from today forward I want to put my future in your hands. I trust you. Thank you for willingly giving your life for me. ~ Amen

(If you just prayed this prayer don't keep it a secret. You need people to walk beside you. Tell me, tell a friend. Let us rejoice with you!! You are a treasured and vital member of the body of Christ.)


Please sit, listen and let these words sink in.

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ  "Just be Held" Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

~Nicole

Feel free to share.

Against all Odds

After seventeen years of marriage, seven kids (6 biological, 1 amazing gift that we've been beyond blessed to call son and co-raise), and a boat load of life in between; not much comes as a huge shock or takes us by surprise.

My husband (Tim) and I have lived an adventure that makes me weak in the knees when I stop and reflect on the excitement, pain, fear and sheer joy we've shared over the years. Together we've seen God's faithfulness in the small mundane details of life and we've also seen His mighty hand at work in the huge events that play out day-to-day. 

Well, the past couple of months we've experienced several of those 'huge events' that have nearly leveled us. They've taken us by surprise and rocked us to the core, BUT God has carried us and continues to ask us to trust Him. 

When Tim and I got married two days after we graduated from high school, we had no clue what we were in store for as we decided to hold hands and walk through this life, seeking God together. I smile as I type because I had no idea that I married a dreamer and a man with incredible vision for the future. He is also someone who fiercely loves his family and is an amazing example of a servant leader. 

After the birth of each of our children, Tim and I have carefully considered what form of birth control we would use. We've made every effort to choose birth control which would not allow me to become pregnant at the mere thought of my husband, because you know, that's what seems to happen. 

It's 99.9% effective and it has always worked 

amazingly for us. 

The birth control is a small little T shaped device 

called a Mirena that keeps me from ovulating or having periods (hallelujah, right ladies?). 

Win, win... I'd say!!

A few weeks ago I sensed something wasn't right in the 'all things female department' so I secretly went to Walgreen's and bought a pregnancy test. I bought it thinking, "Who does this?! Who gets pregnant with an IUD?"

                                              Well, we do! 

I told you the mere mention of a baby makes my uterus all kinds of happy and I'm sure if we could hear it talking it would say, "stick a baby in this warm little oven. I'm ready!" Even when we've made every attempt to keep it cooled down and unable to bake a little bun. 

I knew that there was a 50% chance of a miscarriage if I were to become pregnant while the Mirena was still in place, so I waited a week to tell Tim. After dinner one night I shared our exciting news... yes, it's still exciting even when it's your seventh pregnancy. We rejoiced together for a little over a week and just like past pregnancies we decided to wait until I was twelve or so weeks along before we shared with the other kiddos. 

While preparing dinner last week I began to have awful cramping. Did I tell you I've birthed six kids so I know the difference between 'ouch' cramping and 'holy crap, somethings wrong' cramping? 

I went into the bathroom where I quickly realized I was bleeding quite a bit. I've been a woman long enough to know what this all meant. I went and sat with my husband at the dining room table and shared what was happening. He looked at me with a reassuring grin that has the power to melt me while at the same time cause uncontrollable tears to flow. He squeezed my hand and we knew there were no words that would help the ache we felt in our hearts. We both felt the weight of the situation. 

He promptly sent me to go rest while he helped our kids cleanup our dinner mess. 

The next morning I called the doctor to schedule an appointment to confirm what we already knew.They couldn't get me in for over a week so we were in a place of waiting and praying for the best.

We knew there was nothing we could do but trust the Lord and wait. 

Over the past six months our family has been walking through some pretty tough stuff, so we decided we would sit our kids down and share the news so we could pray, grieve and love each other through this chapter. 

Our kids cried but we saw something strange too. They were full of hope. 

I use the word 'strange' because even through their tears they seemed to think we already beat the 99.9% chance of getting pregnant, so it wasn't too far fetched that our baby was still growing. 

"These kids are crazy!" I thought, but we allowed them the space to feel and hope as we all anxiously awaited my appointment. 

Appointment day was upon us and our kids refused to go to school because they knew I would be getting news that they too were eagerly awaiting. So off I went, while they stayed at home... waiting. 

(IUD is the white line next to my nail)

As I sat on the cold examining table, the doctor came in to perform an ultrasound and see what was happening. He quickly spotted the IUD. 

And then he shifted the probe to a much more important finding... 








                                                    A heartbeat! 

   

                    Against all odds we had a little tiny heartbeat!!!

You guys... this birth control is 99.9% effective! I was bleeding, cramping and stood a very high chance of not seeing anything. I don't know what that does to your heart but it makes mine feel incredibly thankful. 

We weren't planning (in fact we were doing just the opposite) to have a baby, BUT... We are having a baby!

The doctor also located a large blood clot that we will need to monitor. We were hoping we could remove the IUD but because of its location it has to stay in place because we can't remove it without hurting the baby. Prayerfully our baby will grow without any complications right next to the little plastic device that was supposed to prevent us from conceiving him/her. 

So we pray. We rejoice. 

The doctor said we should remain cautiously optimistic because of the IUD and blood clot but today we are incredibly grateful. 

We thank God today and we have hope even when we don't know what will happen tomorrow. Sometimes our plan looks very different from the plan the creator of the world has... and it is amazing! He graciously allows us to see Him in the pain we experience as well as in the jaw dropping moments that leave us scratching our heads wondering what on earth He's up to. I've come to learn and scripture is very clear that it is okay to weep, it's okay to grieve and it's also okay to rejoice. 

Thank you for being part of our story and loving our family.

~Nicole

When it's okay to not be okay...

Somewhere, at some time, for some ridiculous reason 'church' became this place where it's not okay to not be okay. 

Don't get me wrong, it's okay to enter the church broken, after all, Christians like to take credit for fixing other people. We love to hear about sin that's been healed by our programming, events, our leaders and our processes. 

But what about those people on the inside? People that have accepted the gift Jesus has freely given us and now are on this continuous growth curve. A curve that varies from church-to-church and leader-to-leader.  

The litmus test we often use to measure someone's spiritual health isn't a true measure of godliness. It is, however, a litmus test of our preference and personal comfort.

So often church becomes a place where it's not okay... to not be okay. We know if we speak up, we risk being shunned or perhaps worse, being told we are allowed too stay but sit on the bench. 

We label people and groups and put them into categories. 

We have Martha who always sits in the third row... Be careful not to get too close. Before you know it she will be a blubbering mess and the next minute she will be praising Jesus like nobodies business. Well, let's be honest... everyone knows she's needy and not terribly refined. She says a little too much and shares her heart in a pretty loud way. She is loving and kind, but well you know, she's Martha. Everyone knows about Martha. 

Oh but John. Look at John. He shows up every week so well put together and serves every Friday night at the local rescue mission. John is the real deal. He never says much. He's always available if we ask him to serve and he never ever questions leadership. Ever! He knows his place. John is so respected. I mean, geese, he never asks for help and he is always willing to help others. Oh and let's not forget his wife is freakin' amazing and his kids consistently are on the honor roll. 

Then we have Ginger who shows up faithfully every Sunday but her theology is well... a little off. She believes that God can and will... Oh never mind, it doesn't really matter what Ginger thinks, no one listens to Ginger. 

You see, it doesn't matter what the heart looks like or the 'real' experiences people are having. What matters is that you say and do the appropriate things. You show up, you don't speak up and if you are serving you DO NOT show ANY and I mean ANY of your weaknesses unless you are asked too. 

John freely serves the church and the respect people have for him is through the roof. He's been around long enough to know that sharing too much at the wrong time can spell disaster for your future in ministry. So he silently struggles with his roller coaster of a marriage and the fact that he is physically crippled by his pornography addiction. Shhh... As long as everything looks okay....

Once we reach a certain level within the church the degree to which you share your life is limited to smiles, perfect kids and a well put together life. It's no longer okay to be vulnerable unless it's built into the curriculum. No longer can we show our absolute need for Jesus because we may be viewed as weak, a victim or 'not strong enough' for ministry? 

What if they (we) weren't polished enough or shared stuff that made others a little uncomfortable?

People within the church look more like an old rusty building and less like the perfect tabernacle we hope others see. 

The gauge we use to qualify our leaders is often based on ones ability to serve at the cost of family, be quiet so that everything appears okay and say, 'yes' so that feathers aren't ruffled. Say 'no' under your breath while a ‘yes’ escapes out of fear that it may not be popular or you may no longer look awesome.

We fear sharing what we have because 'someone' (whoever someone is) may be offended. We are terrified for people to see that our kids aren't perfect or that our marriages have quite a few wounds. 

We can share those hurts, joys and sorrows just as long as we’ve been invited to speak. We are permitted to say our marriage ‘was’ struggling but don’t you dare stand up and say it is currently struggling. You may be a little too needy or victimish (no, I'm not sure that's even a word).

And, by all means share about the promotion you received at work or the financial blessing that has flowed your way on a well put together Sunday morning video or flyer sent out to thousands of people, just as long as it says that you experienced that as a result of giving to the building fund or the giving spirit you’ve recently displayed. Because if you share any success in any unchurchy forum you are probably just boasting and rubbing what you have in others faces. 

Let me break it to you, to leadership and to every person you share your stuff with… It came from Jesus. He gave you the ability to work hard, he's resourced some in ways that he doesn’t resource others and that is okay. Be happy and rejoice with the person on the big screen, pamphlet sent in the mail and even the person sharing on Facebook. They're no different if they recognize where it all comes from.

I'm terrified, terrified to once again become part of an establishment that promotes a sit down and shut up mentality and refuses to encourage a rise up and walk culture. 

It's policies, procedures and programming that sets the captive free!

It's not policies, procedures or programming that sets the captive free, it's Jesus! 

It's sacrificing to the point of exhaustion. It's giving until you can't give no more.

It's not sacrificing to the point of exhaustion or giving until you can't give no more. 

It's about Jesus!

What he's done in and through us on a daily basis is appropriate for Facebook, Twitter or whatever tickles your fancy. 

Why? Because our stories inside and outside of church programming can glorify Jesus. 

The reality is… we are a jumbled mix of ‘needy’ and ‘needed’. We all have periods where we are so weak that we can barely stand.

Moments when our knuckles drag the ground like an ancient cave dweller. We have periods of time when the mental hunch feels as if it will never ever again stand up straight and walk in freedom. 

We question if we will ever stand tall, straight and once again have a little pep in our step. 

The glorious opposite of being ‘needy’ is being ‘needed’. This is a place where many Christians thrive. 

Feeling needed is the very reason we say yes to the point of exhaustion and sacrifice our families on the alter of service. 

One without the other is crippling. God created us to both be needed and needy. 

Anything short of real is simply, fake.

Even Jesus, the perfect son was vulnerable, open and dare I say, needy. 

In Matthew 26, we see Jesus go off with his disciples “to be sorrowful and troubled.” He goes on to say, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Goodness, some church leaders would be preparing his sit down and be quiet letter if he ever dared write this as a social media status. 

Facebook or Twitter stutus: 

“I’m so overwhelmed with sorrow…” ~ Jesus

 #needmyfriends #alittleoverwhelmed #ineedyou #thisburdenisalittlemuch

Yep, this is the same Jesus that healed the blind, walked on water and wept with the broken. Same guy, same dude, same person inside and outside of the church. (Yes, I know 'the church' was yet to be established but I think you know what I mean)

And, hold on one minute before you stand up on your couch or need to pull over on the side of the road. 

Yes, I know full well that Jesus was with his friends and we often publish our feelings on a public forum such as Twitter or Facebook. But, I can also say with 100% certainty that the author of the most widely published, widely read and most controversial book known to man also knew his followers (readers) would far exceed our friends list on Facebook or our followers on Twitter. And guess what? He still published it. 

Not all of us are internal processors and not all of us are comfortable sharing our stories publicly, but I know there is room for both of us within the church and most certainly within leadership. 

I know there is room for both the needy and the needed at the doorstep of ministry. 

Your story is not only appropriate at a well thought out event, where you have exactly 7 minutes 30 seconds to share it. It is also appropriate wherever and whenever the Holy Spirit tells you to share it. 

Yes, a great deal of wisdom is needed when sharing but I’m afraid we don’t share of stories or our life simply because there is a fear of what leaders may think or how we may be 'perceived' by others. We somehow are more concerned with 'the others'  and less concerned about being open and with an unashamed willingness to follow Jesus and His prompting. 

We must be willing to follow Jesus and be obedient even if it offends others.  We can be a Martha and a John all at the same time. I promise though we will never reach the point of being both needy and needed if we continue to follow the whim of the church at the expense of a daily walk with Jesus. 

Church is a place where it is okay to not be okay. 

Church is a place where our stories matter within the building and outside the building. 

Church is a place where our experiences both good or bad matter. 

You don't have to be a Paul, a Peter, or a Virgin Mary... You are you. The people you will reach for Christ aren't the same group of people that the next person was created to reach. 

Go get em'!!!

And, please do not forget...

Church is a place where it's okay to be broken the first day you walk in AND every single day that follows. 

You matter! Your story matters! 

"I Have Loved You..."

“…I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness…”

                                                    Jeremiah 31:3

Under the disguise of the dark starry night -- there he was again. In faded denim jeans and an old t-shirt, he rested on the hood of the car.  Feet crossed at the ankle, he waited and listened. The butt of his gun perched on his upper thigh and his finger dancing back and forth ready to react at the slightest movement in the distance.

Hidden within the car, two girls rested their heads on the backseat hoping to get a good nights sleep before school the next morning. Away from the bugs and protected from the cold night air; the sound of coyotes were all that could be heard.  There was safety behind those doors. Safety that most children felt once they were tucked into their warm cozy beds, deadbolts secured and windows all locked.

As my sister and I laid on the back seat we didn’t have the assurance of a deadbolt or the comfort of a soft bed, but we knew we were being cared for. 

I wasn't being cared for in the way most would deem acceptable but I've learned that sometimes our temporary discomfort plays a much bigger role than we understand at the time. There was a much bigger story being written and I could trust Him though the process. 

Every time I saw the bright glow that accompanied each puff of the cigarette, I knew my mom’s husband was waiting... Waiting for everything to come crumbling down around us. He was holding on by a thread and the path he was leading our family down was a dangerous one.

We were homeless. Hopping from motel to motel, sleeping on the couches of our friends or like this night… out in the middle of the desert parked next to a beautiful natural hot spring.  

Once again the drugs were a priority and we were not. He burned a drug dealer and didn’t make good on his promise. It wasn't the first time my mom's and his life was in danger for the lifestyle he was leading them on. He knew they would come to give him what he deserved. He waited and listened preparing for the worst, knowing it was only a matter of time before they would come after him… after us.

I remember laying on that back seat thinking, “How much more, God? How much more?”

Have you ever asked God that same question?

I would tell myself, “Go to sleep… Tomorrow is a new day.”

I would like to say this was the first and the last time I had this experience but it was a very familiar scene that played throughout my childhood. Different backdrop every time but the feeling was the same. There were times I felt scared and alone. I wanted to be a 'normal' kid... Whatever 'normal' is?!?! I wanted to have my every need met and not worry about grownup problems. 

It's funny how the very thing you wish you didn't have to experience, in hind sight ends up being the thing that helped shape your future. 

I knew that the same God I asked to come into my heart at the age of five, was the same God who loved that insecure seventh grade girl. He still held my future and I could rest knowing he didn't forget about me. 

He has the power to turn all things for good.

You see, all of our stories look very different and you may not be experiencing homelessness or battling a drug addiction, but the feeling is the same. We (you and me) understand our inability to get through another day on our own.

Much like the little girl in the car, you may be watching and waiting for it to all come crumbling down around you. That little girl (me) didn’t find safety behind a secured door or in a warm cozy bed… She found safety in the presence of God. That same safety belongs to you!

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”  ~ Psalm 91:4

Friends, today you can rest wherever you find yourself. Your current situation may seem like it will never end, but it is temporary and He will walk through this storm with you. I had no control over the outcome but I knew the one who did.

Lord, thank you for loving me (insert your own name) with an everlasting love! Thank you for being present when I feel like everything is crumbling around me. Take this situation (be specific) and make it a story that will bring you honor and glory. Be near to me and protect my heart. I trust you God! I trust you! 

~Amen

~Leave me a comment. Share. I want to hear from you! 

Will you say "yes?" Big or small, it matters!

If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that when you obey God you will often be asked to give up a ton. Over the course of my husband getting through medical school and residency I have been brought to what I have thought was my total breaking point. I have felt like I couldn't give up anymore or sacrifice another minute...

During medical school we were forced to walk away from our home because in order to stay in it meant Tim would have to quit. There were lonely times when I thought quitting may be a viable option but God always carried us beyond the point where we didn't think we could take anymore.

We came to the point where medical school was behind us and I foolishly thought life would be 'easier.'

Ha ha... Twenty-seven weeks pregnant with baby number five we moved 2,400 miles across the country to begin residency. I would love to say it was 'easy,' but friends I felt incredibly lonely, isolated and broke. We were far away from everyone and everything we knew and my husband was working what seemed to be non-stop. We didn't see him much, we could barely pay for necessities and I was emotionally and mentally exhausted.

So many Christmas's had come and gone without us being able to purchase a single gift for our kids. During our second year of residency the bill collectors were waiting no longer and began to sue us for every extra cent we had. About ten days before Christmas, Tim had a day off from work and I was so excited to share with him that we could drive to pick up each of the kids something small. I managed to shove away $200 over the months. We went on a date to purchase our kiddos something to put under the tree.

As we sat in the clothing store parking lot, my phone rang. As soon as I answered, I immediately wished I hadn't. "Mrs. Howes, you must make a $195 payment on your outstanding debt immediately or we will file paperwork with the court in the morning" said the man on the other end.

My heart dropped. I knew he was serious because we had so many creditors take us to court and we couldn't afford another one. So with tears in my eyes I read the numbers from my debit card. My husband clutched my leg as we sat in the cold and knew all of our money was once again gone.

I hung up the phone and cried. We processed the pain and decided we would talk with the kids when they arrived home after school. I felt like we'd had this same conversation so many times with them and dreaded saying those words, "I'm so sorry, but we can't afford..." I dreaded it so badly that I decided to not do it again.

When they came in the door, I sat all of them down and shared what happened. I also asked them to look around. I asked them to look in our fridge and to look at each other.... We were no longer prisoners to the words "We can't afford..." and all of us felt incredibly blessed that our rent was paid, we had power, heat and food. We realized how blessed we were. Just when I thought I couldn't give up anymore to say 'yes' to God he calmed my heart and filled me with joy.

Our kids said "It's okay mom. It really is." Somehow they understood the big picture. They understood and accepted that they wouldn't open any gifts on Christmas morning. They comforted me and with their hugs reminded me that we were on this journey together.

Seeing how understanding and unselfish they had been for so many years broke me. Later that evening I went to my room and just cried. I cried an ugly cry. I cried that kind of cry that no one should ever see...

The next day I received a phone call from a friend I had met at a conference I attended the previous summer. She said, "Nicole, I'm working on something for your family. I want to make sure you have gifts this year and the Lord has asked me to respond" (She didn't know any of the events that had just taken place). Her husband had been out of work for quite some time but she was willing to say 'yes' when God stirred her heart. This dear friend sent out an email to all her friends and the response was overwhelming. She told me she didn't know exactly what the Lord was up to but told me to hold on for something awesome.

Over the next couple of days bit by bit she began to tell me some of what her friends were doing. People, normal everyday people were saying yes to God and reminding us that he hadn't forgotten about our family. God had stirred the hearts of so many and my friend called and said "Nicole, one of my friends wants to bless your family with a night in a hotel on Christmas Eve." Tim actually had Christmas day off this year and to experience this blew us away!

Family photo at the hotel 

I was given a dollar amount for reserving the room and thought I'd ask about a military discount. The hotel reservation line informed me that with the military discount we could stay not one but two nights for the same price. WHAT!?!?!?!

A few days later, early in the morning, I received a text from a number I didn't recognize. The message read, "Hello Nicole. This is your Christmas elf. I want to get your kids Christmas wish list. Tell me a little about each of them and something they really want." I sat up in my bed and woke Tim up. I cried and couldn't believe what I was reading.

As I cried I heard the Lord speak to my heart, "Thank you for saying 'yes' so many years ago. Thank you for giving up your comfort and security to pursue my best. Thank you for being obedient. I haven't forgotten about you for a single minute. I'm carrying you. I'm taking care of my kids."

We were completely overwhelmed as parents. We were overwhelmed by the love and obedience of others.

We told our kids about the hotel and they were on cloud nine. We decided not to share anything about gifts because we weren't sure of the details and wanted it to be a surprise.

The day before we were scheduled to leave I realized that we had $4 in our bank account, an empty gas tank and the hotel was 80 miles away. I didn't tell anyone but I was scared. Again, I cried... "Lord, I don't want to tell the kids we can't go. Help."

That evening my mom received a message that read, "Merry Christmas! Go check your mailbox!" My mom immediately went outside and came in crying. Inside the envelope was $80 and a $25 Walmart gift card. Again the Lord provided!!! Through the obedience of yet another person we had gas money to make the trip.

On the morning of Christmas Eve we loaded up our kids and headed for an unexpected Christmas adventure.

Joy!!!

We pulled into the hotel and were greeted by my dear friend and her grown daughters. They escorted us to our room where my kids were completely blown away. Our room was set up like a winter wonderland. Presents were arranged all around. There were food baskets all around and the refrigerator was stocked. The care and love that went into this adventure was amazing. The amazing family that paid for our hotel also included meals at any restaurant in the hotel.

Totally shocked by their gifts

New bike he wanted for so long

Christmas morning was beyond anything we could've provided. One by one our kids opened their gifts and were all in tears. Not only did our kids receive some of the most amazing gifts but the person who purchased everything also thought of us. Tim and I were given so many restaurant gift cards to make sure the health of our marriage was a priority.

I tell you this story because I have seen God show up in some of the most hopeless situations. I have seen God use the obedience of others to encourage our hearts. I have seen God provide when there seemed to be no possible way.

Often we think what we have to offer someone else can't compare with what the next person can offer.

Let me tell you friend.... You aren't called to be someone else. You are called to be obedient to God and what He asks you to do.

The person who gave the $80 and gift card thought it was nothing. They thought it wouldn't make a dent on our Christmas... We wouldn't have been able to leave our house without them saying 'yes' to Gods stirring of their hearts. They didn't know any of the story that was playing out, yet they responded.

Modeling her new outfit she received.
She may try and fit into those boots until she's 20. 

My friend didn't have a lot of money and her husband was unemployed, but she had an obedient heart. God asked her to take a step of faith and get the ball rolling. She had no clue that God would use her obedience to encourage and speak to this mommas heart. She had no idea how desperate we felt. The people who gave didn't know that they were investing in a family that said 'yes' to God so many years before and felt like they were holding on by a thread.... BUT GOD DID!!!

It is never your job to solve someone else's problems or provide for them financially but you will be greatly rewarded for your obedience. If God speaks to your heart and it is within your power to respond... Respond! No matter how big or how small... Be obedient!

Opening his gift (gift card for a basket ball hoop)

Perhaps God is asking you to write a text, send a card or pick up the phone. Maybe it's to bake cookies, take a meal or buy 'that' family some gifts. If God stirs your heart, respond.

The friendships our family has gained as a result of this magical Christmas are eternal. The gifts were amazing but the love, thought and continued support is sustaining. We have learned over the years that people need people.

People need people because God uses His people to encourage, buildup and love others.




Will you allow Him to use you today? Will you say 'yes' to God and trust that He is already working out the details.

Saying 'yes' to God (entering medical school) was terrifying... But the relationships built, generosity of others and love of God has revealed something so incredibly valuable.

God delights in the sacrifice of His kids.

He delights in you!

God wants to use your obedience in the life of someone else today.

You are a valuable part of someone else's story. Allow God to write something beautiful......

Why there isn't 'THE ONE' out there for you

It was a packed crowd of teenagers all listening to speakers talking on the subject of pre-marital sex. The speakers pounded and beat into our heads over and over that "God had one person and one person only" for us. I remember feeling hopeful and excited at the idea of one guy being hand crafted for me. You see, I grew up in a home where my mom was married four times and none of her husbands excelled in the integrity department.


I wanted to buy into the idea of the fairy tale.


You know... The same kind of happily ever after we see Disney create. I wanted to be the girl who was rescued by her knight and shining armor. I wanted 'the one' to swoop in and rescue me from all of my insecurities, worries and help solve all of life's woes. After all, everyone has a 'soul mate,' right?

We all want that someone who will kiss us like they mean it and hold us close each and every day.

At this same conference I heard that I should abstain from sexual relations because my soul mate, you know the one God 'preordained' for me to marry would miss out on the biggest gift if I gave it to someone else.

Eighteen years later I can appreciate what the speakers were trying to convey, but I don't agree that there is one person 'predestined,' 'handpicked,' 'God-ordained,' or meant to be my 'soul mate.'

Having premarital sex has nothing to do with our future spouse and everything to do with us... but that's an entirely different topic.

Truth is, the Bible speaks very little about who we will marry and the idea of having a soul mate is so out in left field that it takes less than a year of marriage to get a hard dose of reality.

Those things you thought were cute begin to drive you crazy. The 'perfect' someone who finishes your sentences is annoying and every time they do it, you secretly want to punch them in the face.

The person who knows what you are thinking before you've said it out loud is probably using your diary as bathroom reading material.

Let's not leave out the beautiful idea of the perfect spouse who just knows how to make us happy....

Bull-honky!!!

I have been married for over fifteen years. Can I tell you that I cannot imagine my life without my husband. I miss him everyday we are apart and I long to hear how his day went. We laugh, cry, dream and plan together. He is my best friend and he makes my days better. But if I'm being totally honest... he makes my days a lot harder too. We disagree on parenting issues, finances, schedules... you name it we've disagreed about it.

As a society we've bought into this idea that we 'don't choose who we love' it just happens.

We've bought into Hollywood's fairy tale and not God's. We blame Satan for everything that doesn't go right in our relationships and forget that little gift God gave us... Free will.

Having a spouse, even the one you've dreamt about all of your life will disappoint you, hurt you, be insensitive and totally annoy the crap out of you. The perfect one doesn't exist for each of us because we all blow it, we all screw up and we all miss the mark.

I dated my husband throughout high school and he proposed to me before our senior year. A big part of me was looking at him as my rescuer. I really thought he was so different than every man I'd ever encountered and I was excited to begin a life with the 'perfect guy.'

I put him on a pedestal until I realized this ruggedly handsome, lover of Jesus, struggled with pornography. He wasn't a horrible man but I sure wanted to make him feel that way.

In those dark days I had to choose to love him. It wasn't natural and it didn't just happen. I asked questions like, 'Did I marry the wrong man?' "Was my judgment totally off?' 'What's wrong with me.'


'God wouldn't really want me to stay with this man, right?'

The topic of finding 'the one' isn't limited to the young, it is an idea that people who have gone through multiple relationships and divorces long for as well. They want the fairy tale!

The fairy tale exists when...  Truth is... it doesn't exist. Fairy tale's are fantasy and in Disney movies they ride into the sunset and the story ends. We want more..... We need more.....

Imagine if God created one person for you. Say that one person was a 'sinner' and made bad choices. (Oh wait, that's all of us) Choices that resulted in knocking up a girl in high school or choices that made her marry 'the bad boy.'

What if Tina and Rob got married when Tina was supposed to marry Henry and Henry now 'had' to marry Lauren who was actually 'predestined' to marry John and now John is destined to be alone for the rest of his life.
Now all of these mutant marriages have been entered into and little spawns have been created that were never 'supposed' to be roaming this planet.

Tina and Rob single handedly ruined God's design. Wait... I should stop writing now. Maybe this actually does explain why the divorce rate in our country is so high. Tina and Rob blew it!!!!! Now we are all suffering. Duh! How come this wasn't clear before?!?!

It wasn't clear because it is a total lie that we've swallowed hook, line and sinker.

This type of theology has so many holes, yet we preach it, teach it and use it to make ourselves feel good.

There isn't one person in the sense that if you happen to choose the wrong college, fail to accept the right job and let's not mention if you come down with the flu and can't make that one event that would have made all the stars align and the sparks fly.

No!

I recently had a single friend ask me why God isn't giving her the desires of her heart. Can you imagine if God gave us what we asked for in the manner in which we thought it should be given. She longs to be married so badly, but she is desperately trying to find a husband and doing very little to make sure she will be the right bride.

A partner will never satisfy our deep need to be loved. The reason they will never satisfy that need is because they will fail. Your 'soul mate' will miss the mark. If you are counting on finding 'the one' you will forever be searching. The fairy tale will come screeching to a halt at some point. You will be faced with daily forgiving an imperfect person. You will be forced to lay down your pride several times a day. You will be asked to stand by his or her side when they are too weak to stand alone and the hurt they've caused feels unbearable.

There is no perfect person. The perfect person that God has in mind for you is the one you choose. Now don't mistake what I'm saying for ignorance. Don't be ignorant or dumb in your decision making process. If you choose a partner then choose them for life. Evaluate who they are before you say 'I do.' If there are huge red flags prior to marriage, get ready because those red flags are going to be glaringly bright once you're married.


God can and will bless a marriage! The way we see this play out is through humility, respect and by being a genuine lover of our spouse. God gives us the ability to choose whether we will forgive, respect and love our spouse. He leaves that totally up to us. We get to put action to what God has planned for our life. Investing in your marriage leads to greater intimacy and a richer and deeper love.

God never forces us to love him and He certainly won't force us to love another person. But if we daily choose to invest in our marriage, the rewards are plenty and gift is priceless. 

You didn't marry your spouse because you loved 100% of everything about them. You didn't marry them because they fulfilled all your needs. You married that person because you saw potential, hope and a future with them.

People who finish other people's sentences have made it a habit to study their partner. They know the things they like and dislike because they listen. They buy, say and do the right things because they have bought, said and done the wrong things one hundred times before they got it right.

A couple who still loves to be around each other after so many years are people who want to see their spouse smile. They do and say little things that make them feel special.

When we see a couple that is madly in love 10, 15, even 60 years later... it isn't because they got lucky or because they found the right person. They've learned how to be the right person by offering grace, forgiveness and they work everyday to capture their spouses heart.

Plan together, dream about the future together. Make root beer floats and sit in your front yard just because you can... not because it's convenient but because you can.




If God would've given me my hearts desire I would've never experienced the excitement that I now share with my husband. I'd still be longing and searching for 'Mr. Right.'

We all have read Jeremiah 29:11 and said, "Yes!" He has it all figured out for me.
He does know the plans he has for you and he wants to give you a hope and a future but that doesn't relinquish your role in the journey.

Come on friends! Marriage is SO MUCH MORE than just finding the 'right one.' It is about daily working on ourselves. Daily taking steps toward being better, thinking healthier and loving differently.

If you struggle with relationships and communication before you get married... You are already in trouble and will struggle after.

If you're divorced and desire to be married again... take a honest look at the reasons, causes and issues why your marriage failed. You must do it even if it's painful.  You have to recognize your part in the divorce and begin to have truth spoken into those areas of your life. This is how growth will happen and God can bring healing in incredible ways when you get honest. You will repeat the same patterns and bring awful baggage into future relationships if you don't address these things.

Be the spouse you want before and after marriage.

Finding 'the one' simply means you are willing to 'Be the one!' 


"The one" is the person you walk down the aisle and say 'I do' too. They are 'the one' worth forgiving, fighting for, and investing in.

Allow God to rebuild, revamp and shake up your marriage.

If you haven't said "I do" yet... Make sure it is 'the one' you want to fight for, forgive and invest in for the rest of your life.

We are busy people in an unintentional world.

We are busy people.

Busy at work, busy at school, busy doing 'God's work.' Ministry, sports, jobs, extra curricular activities, oh, I could list and list and list. But I will spare you the list of things we are busy doing.
We are busy being busy. We are busy being important.

Creating time and space for family won't happen organically, it is created. In our busy lives it is genetically modified and unnaturally engineered if you will.

It's created! Be so intentional about this time that you even write it in your day planner and send yourself reminders. Creating space for the important things won't 'just happen.'

I'm about to get all up in someones junk, but I am willing to do it at the risk of families being fuller, richer and healthier. So here goes.......

*Carve out time for one meal a day together. Whatever the obstacle in the way... FIGURE IT OUT.

Time, previous table interactions, sports, school, work, you name it we use it to make excuses for not eating together.
If it's your spouses meal time reactions, talk with him/her alone. Communicate the value you see in meal time together. If your spouse tends to use the time around the table as an opportunity to belittle, bash or condemn those gathered, you can't run from it... Talk in private.
In love, express your heart and apprehension for not enjoying meal time together. If they get pissed... DON'T GIVE UP!!! Revisit the topic when they cool down. Don't blame, condemn or insult. Lovingly remind them you are on the same team and want to do this with them.
 Guess what?!?! Old habits die hard. If your spouse is used to being 'Grumpy Guss' at the table, it is just as much an opportunity for you to grow in your communication skills and support of your spouse.
If you are 'Grumpy Guss' reading this... pull your head out of the clouds and realize your family needs you. Your constant badgering about manners, rules, 'sit up straight,' 'Don't chomp,' 'chew with your mouth closed,' Why did you do that?!?!' 'Why did you do that?!?!' Can be met with love, compassion and wisdom from someone seeing your behavior. Don't worry about being so defensive and just listen. Tell your family you are sorry and ask for a second chance. Tell them you won't be perfect but you are willing to change and try for them. If you make it a priority they will too.

Jesus showed us the value of breaking bread together. Serious conversation took place at the Last Supper. People were called out. Ouch!!! But it didn't happen every time. Emotional intimacy on the deepest level also took place around a meal like setting.  Look at when Jesus turned the loaf of bread and fish into enough to feed 5,000 people in Matthew 15. What a celebration. Time after time, Jesus modeled the importance of coming together for a meal. It creates community, invites open communication and says, "This is our time and no one else's."

If it's your schedule... it's time to get real honest with what's important. If you need help with this I would love to help. We have been in a season of medical school and now residency for quite some time and my husbands schedule is ALL OVER THE PLACE. He often works 300+ hours/month but meal time happens! If it's important, you'll make the time. If you need ideas, input, whatever, I can help! If I don't have the answer I will ask people and help you come up with a solid plan.

*Carve out time for play and laughter. Games, family movie night, take walks together. I have a friend that is intentional about Friday pizza night, every week. She hand makes pizzas with her kids and hubby and uses it as an opportunity to teach, play, listen, and opens up opportunity for laughter to fill their home.

Don't mistake this as time training at sporting events, practices and recitals. Chances are if you have more than one kid your other kids don't totally LOVE hanging out ALL OF THE TIME supporting their sibling. Hear me on this. I think it is so important to instill in our kids the value of building into other peoples passions. We must be careful though. Often there is a 'Star' in the family that unintentionally overshadows everyone else's time and space. We want to build into our kids but don't step on other family members to get there. You will create resentment and hurt that will some day surface. It is okay to not ALWAYS be present at every activity or event.

You may need a time out right about now because you are about to delete me, punch me in the face and say "How dare you!" I'm just asking you to evaluate. Privately ask your family members how they feel and really listen. Approach God before you approach them. Ask Him to soften your heart and to receive whatever they have to say.






*Carve out time to listen... plan on NOT speaking and just listening.
This is usually the time you hear the 'real' needs and burdens your family is carrying. This is a time to listen and hear what things you need to be talking to God about. This isn't an opportunity to not solve things rather a time to investigate, collect information and take your case before God.





*Carve out time to have difficult conversations. Dating your spouse and your kids creates the perfect opportunity for this. Your kids and even your spouse (but that is an entirely different subject) want to know you are totally invested in them. Sometimes as parents we trick ourselves into believing if we take them here and run them there or provide for them, their emotional needs are being met... Wrong!!!

Oh, and by the way they may even act totally bored and uninterested in dates with mom or dad but secretly in the depths of their heart they are screaming "Finally!!"
Keep it up. Your labor will produce a beautiful harvest.

*Carve out time for all members of the family to be equal contributors in the home. Chores are good! Again I say, CHORES ARE GOOD!!! Your child will learn life skills at home, with you, by watching you and by you intentionally teaching and directing them.

You are not a mean parent, in fact you are doing them and yourself a HUGE disservice by only being Mrs. or Mr. Fun Bags but not expecting full involvement from EVERY eating, drinking, sleeping, mess making, trash throwing, laundry wearing,  phone and cable using, diaper wearing member of your household.
(Oh yes, even that little toddler can contribute)

Disclaimer: No children were ever harmed in the participation or involvement in being an active, self-sufficient, partner in this family. 

*Carve out time to invest in your families relational portfolio.


When a person wants to save for retirement they don't just start the day they retire. They start by taking steps years, sometimes decades in advance.

If you don't approach your relationships with the future in mind, you will be devastated to find out you put all of your time and energy into the wrong investments.



*Be spontaneous. Surprise the family late at night with a ice cream run. Do the unexpected to capture your families attention. Often this is as simple as an attitude adjustment towards a certain activity, topic or event. Meet your kids where they are, not where you want them to be.

Carve out time now or little by little time will carve out chunks from your relationships.

Don't read this and think that I know how to do this perfectly, because I don't. My family still has melt downs, explosions, fights, fits and freak-outs, but when the basics are in order it creates a solid foundation to respond to the messes we face. It gives credit to our words when discipline needs to happen and trust me it happens... a lot! When we play, laugh, work, love and do life as a unit rather than individuals our house doesn't easily crumble. These are ideas that promote open communication and freedom to be an invested member of a God honoring team.

Be blessed friends! Be intentional and be ready to shake up some things so that when the big life shaking events happen your house doesn't crumble.

Remember, God is for you. He wants to give you a hope and a future! And it starts today.

Totally dumb saying but totally true... "Sharing is caring." If you can benefit from anything you read, chances are someone else will too. 

Email me, comment and ask questions... We need one another.