Good Enough

Have you been there? You know, the place of utter hopelessness...

At the beginning of August I found myself in a place I've never been, nor do I ever wish to go back.

The voices I heard seemed to scream, 'You aren't good enough. You aren't measuring up and you never will." A place where the pressure in my life left me feeling hopeless. If only I wasn't like 'this' or like 'that'-- maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't feel so awful.

I was tired.

Depression is real. Depression is scary. It isolates you. It lies to you and it affirms all the lies, criticisms and doubt you are feeling.

If you could be more like him or more like her you'd make the cut, but until then...

I felt like a sheep without a shepherd, put out to pasture, where the wolves were given free reign to attack.

I slowly began to pull away from anyone that could possibly encourage or speak life into my depressed weary bones. I thought they were just being nice, therefore it made it difficult to hear the truth, life and encouragement anyone was trying to convey to me.

Have you been there?

Here is a raw glimpse into my journal on the darkest night of my life:

"Sitting in a dark room with only the dim light of the moon shining through the cracks of the blinds. The sound of my husband sleeping soundly next to me is all I  can hear. He breathes in and out... In and out. Should I wake him? Does he know? Would he notice if I were gone or would he continue to sleep soundly? 

Should I scream? "I can't! I can't go on! This is all too much!"

12:31... 12:42am... 1:36.... I sit. Grasping the sheets below me, I wait. I wait in hopes that the feeling of utter hopelessness passes. I wait. 1:42... 2:50... 3:26... I play out every scenario in my head.  

I see them crying. I see them asking, 'why?' and I hear the agony in their voices... But I still clench the sheets desperately fighting the urge to be done with life.  

The words of disapproval, the reminder that I could be more, do more and simply 'be better' are deafening.  

I've taught others that He's good, loving and kind, but I sit-- 3:34...3:35...3:36... I don't see how it's true for me.  

I need the vice to loosen just a little. It's so tight, I can barely breath and the only way I see it loosening is to loosen it myself.  

I know I could do better, be wiser and act like I have it all figured out… If only you could be a better actress or learn to play the game.  

The shelf in my husbands closet is calling for me. 

Right now in this moment... I could be done. Would it matter?  

It would be so easy and it would no longer matter how ‘good’ I am or how others see me.  

My view of how I'm seen and the reality of who I'm not is painfully obvious. It is taking everything I have within me not to slowly... quietly, unlock the case, reach inside, grasp it in my hand and be done.  

'The woman of God you believe you are, isn't the woman of God others see you as!' 

The words .... They're deafening.  

The site of me, the site of my family is disgusting to those that 'matter' or at least those who have the power to make others think you matter.  

So I sit. I wait. I grasp the sheets and wait for the darkness to pass. Will it pass?" 

Feeling hopeless is an awful place to be.

Have you been there?

As self sufficient people, we like to believe we can follow steps A, B and C and magically come out looking exactly the way everyone else wants us to look.

But, the truth is... God didn't create us that way.

He created us to look like Him, period.




Over the past month I have struggled to hear truth. The people closest to me have stopped what they were doing to remind me of my worth. They've spoken honestly to me and prayed that God would once again remind me that I am His.

But it seemed that every word bounced off of me. In my hopelessness, I had the hardest time believing that God truly cared for me or that He had purpose for my life.

I fought for truth for weeks and answers seemed to consistently escape me, but in my lowest moments I began to realize that God, the creator of the world and my defender wanted me to be still and trust him.

In my total weakness, He was able to hold me, even when I thought I was falling apart.

What I thought was me fighting not to end it all, was actually Him holding me in place.

You see... I don't want to simply exist. I want to have purpose.

In early August, the voices of disapproval seemed so incredibly loud!

The voices of truth were all but silenced, because truth didn't seem to matter... BUT slowly God began to remind me who I am, who I belong to, and where I'm headed.

There isn't a single person on this planet that can redefine how you are seen by God.

I've been reminded that hope will never come from doing better, thinking more positively or acting the 'right' way... Hope is found in Jesus and Jesus alone.

Today, if you find yourself in a place where the voices of disapproval seem deafening... remember your hope cannot and will never come from people.

You will never be a 'good enough' parent.
A good enough Christian.
A good enough spouse.
A good enough employee
OR
A good enough (fill in your own word).

You weren't created to be 'good enough.' Jesus died to be enough. If you were already enough then there would be no purpose for Him. 

What a total let down, right?! You are probably thinking, "I feel like crap and now you are driving home that fact that I will never be good enough. Not helpful."

Here's the meat and potatoes... When we feel down, depressed and without hope, the voices of truth are all but silenced. We block out truth and we begin to believe lies that we were never meant to claim as truth. Jesus came to earth and willingly gave up his life at our lowest point. He knew we would face times of uncertainty, depression and loneliness. He knew people would say and do stupid things, yet He still knew His grace would be sufficient.

Being 'good enough' is a lie you no longer have to claim as truth. We need Jesus. We need Him on the most exciting days, on the mediocre days and in the deep valley's we walk through.

Fight for truth and allow God to remain God. He is more than capable of handling your situation and your brokenness.


If you've never made Jesus the Lord of your life, I want to invite you to pray this simple prayer. You aren't asking him to make you 'good enough' because He is already good enough for you. He wants your heart and He wants you to be transformed because of who He is not because of who you are.

                     Jesus I need you! Today, I ask you to come into my life. Transform my heart and be Lord of my life. I recognize my total need for you and I ask that you cleanse my heart and forgive me of my sins. You are a good God and from today forward I want to put my future in your hands. I trust you. Thank you for willingly giving your life for me. ~ Amen

(If you just prayed this prayer don't keep it a secret. You need people to walk beside you. Tell me, tell a friend. Let us rejoice with you!! You are a treasured and vital member of the body of Christ.)


Please sit, listen and let these words sink in.

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ  "Just be Held" Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

~Nicole

Feel free to share.

Against all Odds

After seventeen years of marriage, seven kids (6 biological, 1 amazing gift that we've been beyond blessed to call son and co-raise), and a boat load of life in between; not much comes as a huge shock or takes us by surprise.

My husband (Tim) and I have lived an adventure that makes me weak in the knees when I stop and reflect on the excitement, pain, fear and sheer joy we've shared over the years. Together we've seen God's faithfulness in the small mundane details of life and we've also seen His mighty hand at work in the huge events that play out day-to-day. 

Well, the past couple of months we've experienced several of those 'huge events' that have nearly leveled us. They've taken us by surprise and rocked us to the core, BUT God has carried us and continues to ask us to trust Him. 

When Tim and I got married two days after we graduated from high school, we had no clue what we were in store for as we decided to hold hands and walk through this life, seeking God together. I smile as I type because I had no idea that I married a dreamer and a man with incredible vision for the future. He is also someone who fiercely loves his family and is an amazing example of a servant leader. 

After the birth of each of our children, Tim and I have carefully considered what form of birth control we would use. We've made every effort to choose birth control which would not allow me to become pregnant at the mere thought of my husband, because you know, that's what seems to happen. 

It's 99.9% effective and it has always worked 

amazingly for us. 

The birth control is a small little T shaped device 

called a Mirena that keeps me from ovulating or having periods (hallelujah, right ladies?). 

Win, win... I'd say!!

A few weeks ago I sensed something wasn't right in the 'all things female department' so I secretly went to Walgreen's and bought a pregnancy test. I bought it thinking, "Who does this?! Who gets pregnant with an IUD?"

                                              Well, we do! 

I told you the mere mention of a baby makes my uterus all kinds of happy and I'm sure if we could hear it talking it would say, "stick a baby in this warm little oven. I'm ready!" Even when we've made every attempt to keep it cooled down and unable to bake a little bun. 

I knew that there was a 50% chance of a miscarriage if I were to become pregnant while the Mirena was still in place, so I waited a week to tell Tim. After dinner one night I shared our exciting news... yes, it's still exciting even when it's your seventh pregnancy. We rejoiced together for a little over a week and just like past pregnancies we decided to wait until I was twelve or so weeks along before we shared with the other kiddos. 

While preparing dinner last week I began to have awful cramping. Did I tell you I've birthed six kids so I know the difference between 'ouch' cramping and 'holy crap, somethings wrong' cramping? 

I went into the bathroom where I quickly realized I was bleeding quite a bit. I've been a woman long enough to know what this all meant. I went and sat with my husband at the dining room table and shared what was happening. He looked at me with a reassuring grin that has the power to melt me while at the same time cause uncontrollable tears to flow. He squeezed my hand and we knew there were no words that would help the ache we felt in our hearts. We both felt the weight of the situation. 

He promptly sent me to go rest while he helped our kids cleanup our dinner mess. 

The next morning I called the doctor to schedule an appointment to confirm what we already knew.They couldn't get me in for over a week so we were in a place of waiting and praying for the best.

We knew there was nothing we could do but trust the Lord and wait. 

Over the past six months our family has been walking through some pretty tough stuff, so we decided we would sit our kids down and share the news so we could pray, grieve and love each other through this chapter. 

Our kids cried but we saw something strange too. They were full of hope. 

I use the word 'strange' because even through their tears they seemed to think we already beat the 99.9% chance of getting pregnant, so it wasn't too far fetched that our baby was still growing. 

"These kids are crazy!" I thought, but we allowed them the space to feel and hope as we all anxiously awaited my appointment. 

Appointment day was upon us and our kids refused to go to school because they knew I would be getting news that they too were eagerly awaiting. So off I went, while they stayed at home... waiting. 

(IUD is the white line next to my nail)

As I sat on the cold examining table, the doctor came in to perform an ultrasound and see what was happening. He quickly spotted the IUD. 

And then he shifted the probe to a much more important finding... 








                                                    A heartbeat! 

   

                    Against all odds we had a little tiny heartbeat!!!

You guys... this birth control is 99.9% effective! I was bleeding, cramping and stood a very high chance of not seeing anything. I don't know what that does to your heart but it makes mine feel incredibly thankful. 

We weren't planning (in fact we were doing just the opposite) to have a baby, BUT... We are having a baby!

The doctor also located a large blood clot that we will need to monitor. We were hoping we could remove the IUD but because of its location it has to stay in place because we can't remove it without hurting the baby. Prayerfully our baby will grow without any complications right next to the little plastic device that was supposed to prevent us from conceiving him/her. 

So we pray. We rejoice. 

The doctor said we should remain cautiously optimistic because of the IUD and blood clot but today we are incredibly grateful. 

We thank God today and we have hope even when we don't know what will happen tomorrow. Sometimes our plan looks very different from the plan the creator of the world has... and it is amazing! He graciously allows us to see Him in the pain we experience as well as in the jaw dropping moments that leave us scratching our heads wondering what on earth He's up to. I've come to learn and scripture is very clear that it is okay to weep, it's okay to grieve and it's also okay to rejoice. 

Thank you for being part of our story and loving our family.

~Nicole