I wanted to be his...

Seventeen years ago, I was a immature eighteen year old. I hated looking in the mirror and couldn't understand why anyone would ever want me as their bride. I was chubby and unsure of myself. I wanted to be loved by someone the way you see in the movies. I wanted to be swept off of my feet and carried away in a horse drawn buggy. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted to be the lady in the room that caught his eye and made everyone else disappear. I wanted to be his. I wanted to captivate and excite him. I wanted to inspire him to be better. I wanted to be his. I wanted him to want me for the rest of our lives. I wanted to grow old and play with our grandchildren together. I wanted him to satisfy that deep need to be loved. 

I wanted to be his. 

I stood in front of two hundred and fifty people on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and said, "I do." I expected that life as I knew it would forever be great. He actually agreed to spend his life with me. He actually said "I do." My fairy tale of a handsome prince coming and carrying me away was happening. He wanted me to be his forever. 

The honeymoon was over and we were beginning life as a couple. For some strange reason he wasn't filling that deep desire to be loved. The horse drawn buggy was empty. The fairy tale was not a fairy tale. I quickly began to realize that he did some things that didn't honor me or God. He too was a sinner. What???!!!! I thought that because we waited to have sex until we were married and did all the right things that we would somehow have it all. Oh how wrong I was. 
I had waited and longed to be loved but somehow having a husband wasn't the fix. 

I thought once I was married I would suddenly feel pretty, accepted and loved. I thought I would look at my body differently and magically feel good in my clothes. I thought he could fix my need to be loved. I longed to feel whole. 

After many years of trying to make Tim be who I wanted him to be, I pushed him further and further away. My actions kept showing him that he wasn't enough. He wasn't going to be "the one." The more I tried to make Tim into who I 'needed' the less he satisfied me. Frustrated with where we were as a couple I realized that Tim couldn't be enough. I searched for so long and waited for the right guy however he was never meant to 'be enough.' I wasn't getting what I needed from Tim because I had never allowed God to be enough in my life. I had given God parts of me, but covered everything else up with a smile. 

I desperately wanted a husband but never stopped to worry about the kind of wife I would be. I was blinded by the fairy tale and forgot that I needed to first be what I wanted Tim to be. 

I needed to fall in love with my creator. 

I needed to begin to take steps that allowed God to infiltrate all of my hurt and past pain. 

I needed to be His

Tim couldn't fill that void until I wanted to be His (God's). I had given my heart to Jesus but I held back so many areas from him that I was still too afraid to relinquish control over. 
It didn't happen over night. It didn't even happen in a year... but the more I started to move toward God, the more my heart began to change toward myself and toward Tim. 

I couldn't love Tim the way he needed to be loved until I allowed God to love me the way He wanted to love. In my pain, I searched for a bandage to cover over the wound but what I desperately needed was heart surgery. I needed a heart transplant. I needed God's heart. I needed to look in the mirror and see the woman that God saw. I needed to look at my body and see who God saw. I needed to find my worth in God and not in Tim. Tim couldn't be 'the one.' 

I wasn't allowing God to be 'the one' either. I wasn't allowing him to give me His heart. He was patiently waiting for me to run to him and say "rescue us... rescue me!" The funny thing is... the more I yelled "rescue me" the closer I became to Tim. I began to not be as frustrated with the things he did. I worked for years to push him away and that needed repair and God began to do it. 

The more I allowed God to 'rescue me' the less I needed Tim to be 'the one' I expected him to be. 

Your spouse CAN'T feel that need for love... but God can.
The desire to not be alone, won't be filled on your wedding day... only God can fill that desire. 
Waiting for your spouse to change, won't change your marriage...but God can. 
Expecting your spouse to 'just get it right' won't happen... until you allow God to completely change and transform you. 

You need a heart transplant just like I did. You need to view yourself with the lens of God. Once you begin to no longer 'need' a spouse, is when you will find that God's best is right in front of you.  He longs to feel that deep desire for love... Will you patiently begin to give Him your heart? 

    "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." ~Psalms 40:1-3

Are you desperate for change?

Are you desperate for a spouse?

Are you desperate because your marriage is falling apart?

Do you want the fairy tale?

Will you today cry out to God and begin to do things differently? 

Share your heart... There is something about saying it out loud. Tell someone... Post on here... Don't keep change a secret

God is pursuing your heart!!!!


  1. Replies
    1. From this post, I can only imagine the things our great God has instore for each of us.

      Your story has hit a soft place in my heart, I love my Tim and I hope someday that he can love me back.

      I pray that God will use me in a mighty way to heal our marriage. Only God can do that now.

      Thank you for your story!

    2. Martha you are a sweet 1 Peter 3:1-6 wife.
      You have made a covenant with your Tim and stayed faithful to that even when it hasn't been easy. I pray that God would blow open the walls and shine light into those dark places of your marriage. Above all, I pray that God is glorified through your actions and behavior as you seek to show Tim the love that Christ himself has for him. Love you friend!